I can see you in my mind, blushing over these feeble words and it makes me smile in a sad sort of way. You will be sitting there reading these sentences and feeling a little fear that I may well be obsessed; but also flattered and smug. Does this assuage your need for hero-worship? Were we not on a boat that last night you’d have seen me down on my knees – would that have sufficed? I knew we were reaching an ending of sorts and I wanted my feelings for you clearly understood.
Pen now and ink. These are all that are left to me. Again. As usual. Were you here now… what? I no longer know. My head is no longer clear and my heart has overflowed. It is dripping flames of agony and desire and longing throughout and over my body.
I hurt…......what more can I say? Silence and stillness.
Were you here now…? I’m not sure. Candles? Darkness? Which would better suit? Should I hide still in this solitude? Should I be ashamed of these feelings and the actions they require of me to be fulfilled? Possibly I have no shame left. Not after those moments with you. Why should I feel shame for loving someone? I tried to – a couple of times – because society says I am wrong to do what I have done. My mind, my heart, my soul – they disagree. My life, lived the way it has been, would have had me do no less. Only more, were that an option.
It is not. Silence and stillness.
For all that lack of light I could still see you clearly. Could you see my face that night? I hope so. I was smiling and laughing softly to myself over what a mouth can do without ever uttering a word.
Silence without stillness. I miss you.
Are you fearing obsession again? Don’t. I’m not. I’ve been obsessed before and this isn’t it. I know it well. I lived with it for a years. It is a dark and heavy feeling, deep with brooding and self-taught lies. My mind is free of that and clear enough to know the truth. Back then I couldn’t tell the difference between reality and my own brainwashing. I can now. Maybe it’s because I can differentiate between the two that I am so sad. Reality is a harsh and cold place to live at times
I guess now is one of those times.
Why can’t I feel you in my memory? I know the body was designed to forget the sensation of physical pain; was it fair of Allah to deny us the remembrance of physical pleasure also? Maybe it is a blessing that I do not have that to mourn over; to highlight even more forcibly what I no longer have. I don’t know. All I know is that I miss having you here to light up this darkness, roar through this silence and bring joy into this solitude.
Thank you for the memories… but won’t you please come out to play?